u n t i t l e d

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

He told himself many things. He thought to himself a lot of thing. He tried his best to feel alive; to feel happy. He tried his best to feel as though he was doing the best. Young Bae prayed. He prayed hard that things would get better. He prayed that he wouldn't feel like such a disappointment or feel as though he wasn't such a fuck up. But the feelings, the feelings built up. Sometimes, they were high. Sometimes, they were low. Sometimes they could be all over the place.

Today, he was at his lowest when indeed it was supposed to be his highest. It was almost as if he couldn't keep control of the highs or the lows. It seemed as though they tended to clash more and more. He didn't know how to feel. At the beginning, he felt determined, driven to a goal. Driven to make someone's day, driven to show his mere love and affection. However, that easily died, when he made a mistake.

A simple mistake.

It killed him inside. It did. One simple mistake brought him back to his lows. The highs and the lows, the ones that conquered him, the emotions he couldn't quite get a grasp on.

He felt like a disappointment.

When aren't you?

He felt like a fuck up.

You are a fuck up.

He felt like he should disappear.

You need to disappear.

Those feelings, they lingered. They lingered, they disappeared, but they enjoyed coming back. He detested it. He hated it. He deemed them as the sinful monsters that stayed in the back of his mind. It was those monsters that came back to remind him of what a fuck up he was. It was those monsters who reminded him of how he needed to just vanish. It was those monsters who reassured him that he could do no good. It was those monsters who told him that he could do no right. It was those monsters who told him the solution to making him better was to simply vanish. It was those monsters that made him close his eyes, and pray his little prayer.

It was those monsters that had him trying his hardest to prove them wrong. But each time, something pulled him down. Each time he tried a little more, he felt like he drowned in his effort. Each time, he felt like he was a lost cause. But, he prayed. He continued to pray. He continued to try. Even if those monsters continued to tell him his efforts were futile, he would still continue to try. Even if sometimes, he wanted to break down and cry, he still wanted to try. He wanted to try.

He didn’t want to disappear. He didn’t want to feel like a disappointment. And, most importantly, he didn’t want to give up. He told himself that those monsters wouldn’t win. He told himself that slowly, he would conquer them all. Even with the failure, even with the disappointment that had been repeated and that lingered in his mind, he still continued to try. And he wouldn’t stop trying.

So he prayed. He prayed for the better. He tried his best to learn from the worse. The monsters would always be there to linger. But he knew that one day, one day, he would prove them wrong.

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